Six months ago today was the day a lot of things changed for me. Perspectives and purposes. I seriously cannot believe it has only been six months since the car accident. It feels like years. My memories of those first few days are getting fuzzy and i don't think ive blogged about exactly what happened on May 7th. Below is a play by play of what i experienced during the wreck, and what led up to the wreck.
I was living a sinful lifestyle, i had moved out of my parents house about a year earlier and things had begun to change and there was really no one around to keep me accountable. Nobody but my Mom wanted to be that person who called me out, most of my really good friends left town for college. So i did not have a strong base of Christian friends at home. Friends who cared enough to intervene and slap me around a little, anyways. In the year time frame between moving out of my parents house and the wreck i did things i am not proud of, things that are significantly damaging to my Christian testimony, things i can't take back. I remember thinking to myself, "How did i get here, why is this so fun, i can repent later...after all, David was still considered a man after God's own heart and he was a murderer and adulterer, and im not THAT bad."
Then one day i made a deal with God. I was dating someone who was a non-believer, something which seems benign enough, he could learn the truth by my "example", our dating would be a good thing. Haha. Such flawed thinking. I am SO good at justifying my sins. Believers should not be yoked in marriage to non-believers, it is counter-intuitive. I don't believe in dating someone that i would never marry, but i thought that he would eventually come around and we could see eye-to-eye on spiritual matters and everything would be okay. I basically told God "This is the lesser of two evils, yeah im living in sin, but BF going to hell is worse in the long run." I was wrestling with a horribly guilty conscious, and i also hated being estranged from my mom. Who definitely did not approve of BF and our obvious sexual relationship. BF and I had a pretty decent relationship, we had a lot of fun, but thats it, fun. There was no deeper connection. I hate breakups, they throw me into ridiculously horrible depressions, my heart wanted to break up with him and wait for the perfect guy, the one God had for me. But my mind didn't like that plan so much, plus i was having a lot fun. I told God that if He gave me a really good reason to break up with BF and come back into the church, that i would, but i felt like that spiritual stuff could wait until later, my fun now wouldn't be of any consequence later. I had these specific thoughts all the time, but i wrote them down in March.
God had other plans for me. He was tired of my fooling around, my wasting of my heart and time. My life was about to change. Im not saying God allowed this to happen to punish me, these events only opened my eyes to the purpose of life and that i do not want to waste my life doing stupid things. I want to live the life HE has purposed for me. On May 5th, BF and i left for a vacation to South Padre Island, just me and him, it was fun. We played on the beach and ate at nice places. Spent two nights there and then were driving back home after lunch on May 7th.
The weather was perfect, it was windy. We were stuffed from lunch, all you could eat fresh fish, caught that morning in the gulf. I left a generous tip on the table and we proceeded to the car. We had a silly exchange over who was going to drive home, it was my car and i love driving. The deal was that he would drive us down to the beach and i would drive us home. But he insisted, saying that he was man and he would drive. Normally i would have driven, it was my car and i hate it when other people drive my car. But i was so full from lunch that i decided he could have his way for once, if i could pick what we listened to on the way. We had been driving for about ten minutes, i texted his mom saying that we were on the way home at 1:16. We are on highway 100, going about 70mph. I see the light ahead, but i don't think nothing of it. I dont remember noticing if it was red or not. I simply cannot remember. But as we cross into the intersection, i do remember thinking for a split second "something is not right" then i see the suburban right in front of me, i look down at the gearshift, and place one of my hands on the drivers seat to brace myself, and the other hand against the window. My boyfriend never hit the brake, i guess he was just zoned out or something, i think he had an inkling to just try and steer out of it, but it was too late by that time.
"F*ck you! What the f*ck were you thinking! We have a baby in this car!!" I can't see anything, but i can hear streams of profanity coming from the other car as they get out and come towards my car. It never really dawned on me that i couldn't see for those two seconds as i was regaining consciousness, i knew that we had been in a wreck so i wasn't shocked to hear the other party upset, i also intuitively knew i was hurt very badly. The first thing i remember seeing was the center console of my car just above the gearshift, it was a little crooked and off center, then i looked down at my seat belt. The sash that goes across my chest had a little spot of vomit on it. Then i look at the floorboard. I was shocked to see how much room was there, i guess i was expecting the front to be all crushed in around me, but it wasn't. The contents of my purse were scattered around along with tons of glass and shards of plastic from the cracked center console. The profanity stops. I guess the couple had seen me, i don't know what caused them to abruptly stop yelling. I notice my boyfriend isn't beside me. These thoughts all occurred within a ten second time frame.
Then it hits me. Suddenly. Excruciating pain. I knew i was hurt before the pain hit, but now i knew where. I knew my back was broken. I was stuck in a bent over position. Now i notice why there is so much room in the floorboard in front of me. Initially i had my car seat pulled way up close to the dash because the cooler was sitting in the back floorboard behind my seat, and needed room. The impact of the head on collision had caused my seat to come off of its track and was now pushed way back into the car. I decide to take off my seat belt, i realize the little bit of vomit is from the force of the seat belt holding back the inertia of my body as my car went from 70mph to a dead stop, i was so full that the force of the sudden stop caused me to throw up a little. As i was taking off my seat belt i remember having the ridiculous thought, "well, as least I'm not all tangled up in my seat belt, unable to free myself like in the movies." The pain becomes unbearable. My seat is too cushy, sitting on it causes too much pressure in my back and i can't take it. I lean forward and hold myself up off of the soft chair using the deflated airbag that is hanging from the dashboard in front of me. It helps the pain minutely. My arms are getting so tired. I decide i want to cry, but it hurts my back to even try. I notice that my chest hurts. I decide not to panic, i have to breathe slowly and steadily to avoid any extra pain in my chest and back. I don't know where anyone is, it is eerily silent. I call out for someone to help me. My voice sounds foreign. Manly and ragged. I hated the way it sounded, but i kept calling out at random intervals. I couldn't help myself. "Please somebody just help me, it hurts so much." It sounded pathetic. I hated it. My arms are getting tired from holding me up. I try to sit a little bit to rest my arms, but i can't, i have to hold myself up. I have no idea how long this went on. Probably less than ten minutes, but it felt like days.
Suddenly a police officer arrives, i don't remember hearing any sirens. She leans into the drivers side of the car and says, "oh my God." I do not remember ever looking at her. I ask her to help me, to get me out. She says she cant. She tells me to wait. A wave of panic overcomes me. I can't imagine why the lady cop seemed so shocked. It freaked me out. I am trying to calm myself down, a few tears come and it causes me to take a deep breath. The pain from that is excruciating. I try to regulate my breathing but it is nearly impossible. She leans towards me, telling me soothing things that make me feel more panicked. I am irritated that she does nothing to help me. "They are coming, see you can hear them." I still couldn't hear the sirens. My arms are numb. I notice seemingly hundreds of little cuts all over my hands, arms, and upper thighs, and a huge bleeding gash in my left knee. I remember being amused that the lacerations did not hurt. Everything is hazy. Lady cop continues talking, i just start begging her to help me and then i hear the sirens. I hear the other cops talking outside. Suddenly two firemen bend down and peer across the lady. "Hey sweetie" says one of them, they both stand up and the other guy says to the one who previously addressed me. "No, im not touching her, wait for EMS." I feel pathetic, and ask them to please help me, please. I beg them. They are both extremely attractive and i wonder if my hair is messed up. My arms give out, and i no longer have the strength to hold myself up off of the soft chair. So i compromise and sit in the floorboard. I knew it was a bad idea, that it was going to be much harder for EMS to get me out of the car. I remember the sickening feeling of the glass and plastic digging into my knees as i sank into the floorboard. I remember thanking God that it hurt, i knew i couldn't be paralyzed if i could feel the glass tearing and impaling my flesh. The cop notices that im moving to the floor, she tells me to stop, i tell her i can't help it. She touches my arm and says nothing, but i could feel her sympathy and it made me feel a little better. She gets out of the car and one of the cute firemen comes in next to me. "They are coming, just hold on, just a few more minutes and we are going to get you out of there." I ask him why he can't help me now, now im crying, almost sobbing, i no longer cared how much it hurt to cry.
I remember the fireman talking to me for a little bit in the car, but i can no longer remember what he told me, i also do not remember when he got out of the car. I remember wanting to straighten up and look out of the car, but the horrifying thought of my back snapping off entered my mind and left me huddled in fear in the bottom of my car. My knees and feet are really bothered by all the glass digging into them, i attempt to pull myself up again with the airbag, but i have no strength. I sort of remember hearing more sirens, but im not sure if this is just something that i think i should remember so im making it up. Its weird. But the next thing i know there are about 6 EMS and they open the passenger door. "How did ya get down there?" I am freaking out on the inside, i was so scared of the moment when they would straighten out my back by pulling me out of the car and laying me flat on the gurney. But it happened very fast. They slid this red-orange backboard under my butt (i guess they are more flexible than they look) and quickly pulled me flat and out of the car. I didn't even have time to voice my fears, thats how fast they got me out. It was surreal. As soon as they attach the backboard to the gurney one guy asks me if my right hip hurts, i look down and see massive bruising, but i say "No, it doesn't hurt at all, its nothing. Only my back". He says, "I know hon".
I am laying on the gurney and the pain is mind blowing. I look out across the completely flat landscape and see nothing but cars stopped for miles. Our wreck and all the emergency vehicles blocked the entire six lane highway. There is a small crowd of people standing around (at the time i remember thinking the crowd of people was huge but looking back now i think it probably only like ten people), i specifically remember a father and his daughter, she was probably five. They were standing there staring. I was completely disgusted that the onlooker would let his young child witness such a thing.
They put me in the ambulance, it hurt so much bumping along the pavement and when they put the gurney in the actual ambulance. One of the EMS climbs in with me and is doing something, i can't remember, probably just getting supplies down. I can hear several people arguing outside of my ambulance. I don't remember specifics, but i remember catching phrases like "she needs to be airlifted, no brownsville..this rig is going to harlingen, can't find copter" They move me to a different ambulance, i wonder why they are moving me. The driver of other car comes into the same ambulance as me and is talking on his cell phone, "Well, everyone is okay, except this girl, she looks pretty messed up." I am angry that he is talking about me, while im laying there helpless. He won't lay down on the seat thingy, the EMS has to force him to lay down. One guy shouts at him, "I need to take care of this girl, you had better lay down now or we will restrain you" Finally we start driving, its really bumpy, i beg the EMS to help me. I try to put my hand in the small of my back to help support my back. My hand is too big, the medic tries to put a towel there, its also too large. Nothing helps. He puts an IV in, i start crying again and ask him to hold my hand. He gives me the most sympathetic look ever, and holds my hand and somehow puts in my IV all at the same time. He was a sweetheart. I wonder why the other driver is in the ambulance, he is annoying me. The EMS takes his blood pressure and then ignores him, it makes me feel a little better for some reason.
Finally we get to the E.R. the medic stays with me for a few minutes, i beg him not to leave me. Nurses are everywhere, several doctors, they are asking me all sorts of questions and slap a brace on my neck. One girl tells me they are going to catheterize me to check my bladder for blood, i kinda freak out, i have never been catheterized. But its over and done with fast. At the same time someone is checking my neurological function. The nurse tells me she has to cath me again, but its going to stay in this time, i say okay. I feel amazingly calm, the pain isn't quite as bad anymore. The nurse says i am going into shock. I hadn't realized that they had already cut off all my clothes, except for my bra. I notice and tell them not to cut it off. It was my favorite bra. THE perfect bra, i was angry that it was going to get ruined. I don't remember who did it, but they cut it off in the front, between the two cups. The scissors got stuck on the underwire and i laugh a little bit, someone behind me tells me that they will save my bra but they have to throw out my other clothes because they have blood on them. I found this highly amusing. I didn't want a cut up bra. (They gave my bra to my mom a few days later...haha) A doctor comes by and tells me i cant have any pain medicine until i have a catscan, they need me to be able to feel things for neuro testing.
I go to the catscan machine, they put in another IV and put contrast into it. The nurse tells me it will make me feel all warm. I don't feel anything, i tell her this and she says, "well thats interesting" and smiles a nervous smile. They take me back to the E.R. the doctor comes by and gives me a shot of morphine into my neck. Right before he injects it he tells me that it will help take the edge off, i feel numbness about the size of a quarter on my neck for about 10 seconds and nothing else. I tell him that it doesn't help and he said he would get me something else. Then a man dressed in a collared shirt and tie comes in, he tells me that he is the director the E.R. and that i am in Brownsville. He asks me for my parents phone number, i tell him and he seems surprised that i remember. Then he says, "Wait! Where are you from?!" I guess he noticed the area code was different than Brownsville, i tell him San Antonio, that my family is military. The dynamic of the room changes. The man leaves to call my parents. People are talking all at once. They want to airlift me to San Antonio. I am crying, the nice man comes back holds the cellphone up to my face and lets me talk to my mom. I tell her i broke my back and she says the she knows, and that her and Dad are waiting to see if they need to drive down or if i am getting airlifted. The nuerosurgeon apparently shows up, i do not remember him, but he says my spine is not stable enough to make the flight. I have to stay. I beg them to fly me to BAMC. The nice E.R. man holds the phone up to my face again and i think i talk to my dad, i remember thinking while i was talking on the phone that i was getting tears and blood all over this strangers phone. Then i ask him if he knows if my boyfriend is okay, i hadn't seen him at all since impact. He said that he is completely fine, but had to go to a different hospital for a quick checkup to be sure. Then i hear people discussing where they could get a back stabilizing brace, that one would have to be flown from Harlingen.
I remember getting really thirsty, but i am not allowed to drink anything, surgeons orders. The thirst is worse than the pain, the nice E.R. man stayed with me for hours, they inject more pain medicine. I feel floaty and weird. I have no concept of time. The man talks to me for a long time, i tell him i want to be a doctor, he encourages me. He even sneaks me a sponge with water on it. I remember at the time thinking that he was the nicest man i had ever met in my life. He also held my hand and moved my hair out of my face, per request.
The next thing i remember is darkness. I am in critical care, i have a brace on my back and neck. I am in so much pain i cannot move, i look up and see my mom standing by my bed. Mom says, "its okay we are here" and my dad pops in behind her and says "hey baby" It was about 300AM at this point.
I remember having hallucinations of cockroaches all over my body and being very swollen. Mom says i woke up about every 15 minutes, but i don't remember that. It felt like i slept for days and then woke up only to drift back into nothingness, to be awakened with more hallucinations.
This went on for two days. Then i had surgery, experienced a stroke, and then complete paraplegia, that story is for another blog. I had to write all this down now, lest i forget what brought me here. I praise God im alive.
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